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(no subject) [Sep. 5th, 2011|12:02 am]
People always say that keeping busy makes it to where you don't have time to think about things. Which when I'm bored I always tend to think about things that I don't want to, my regrets in the past and the uncertainty of my future. I can't help but do it. I always think of things like if I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life or am I ever truly going to be able to retire and live my old days peacefully without much worry. Its just my mind is a motor that makes thoughts run and run and I can't stop. I really wish I was a lot more.... normal, I guess. I mean, everyone worries time to time about things but I don't see nearly as many people having it go nonstop like I do.

Blah. IDK, my stomach is hurting right now and I feel like all I do is work and I just want to chill out. Heck, I even need to go to bed so I can get a decent amount of time to sleep (which I don't sleep well, I wake up multiple times) for work. No insurance to go to a sleep tech/doc either, and its incredibly expensive I found out without insurance. Oi...

To this very day I laugh at people who think money can't buy you happiness, cause it would easily make me happy if I had a lot of money no doubt.
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(no subject) [Aug. 14th, 2011|05:57 am]
i don't think i've fucked up this bad in a long time. damn...
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(no subject) [Aug. 8th, 2011|04:12 am]
My birthday is next Sunday and I'll be 25... a whole quarter century old. Yikes!

Not planning on doing anything honestly haha... I wouldn't even know what I want. Anyways I'm basically posting just to show I'm randomly alive and now I'm going to bed cause its 4am and I haven't slept at all.
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(no subject) [May. 8th, 2011|09:33 pm]
So last night me and Kathy finally played some League of Legends together. I am so happy I didn't play horribly like I had been all day leading up to that. I actually thought I did really well. Poor Kathy was lagging though. :(

In other news as far as gaming is concerned. My World of Warcraft guild is breaking up its two 10 man groups and making one 10 man group with the players that actually show up consistently in raids. Whats that mean you might ask? It means we have 12-13 people, with only 10 spots and its now open competition. Kinda sucks but I enjoy raiding with the guys so I'm gonna stick it out. I've only been raiding with everyone for 3 weeks but everytime its brought up and my name is thrown in there people talk about how much damage I do despite not having as much gear as everyone else so I think I'll be alright. I just hate the idea of competition in a guild where everyone should at least -somewhat- like each other.

I also bought The Green Hornet today. Most people don't think it was that great of a movie, but it meant something to me. Why? Well, I went and saw it with two co-workers and they were comparing Britt Reid (Seth Rogen) as me and another co-worker who no longer works with us as Cato and it was so funny when they'd do things that'd just remind us of how me and that co-worker were at work. So of course I enjoyed the movie a little more than most.

Also one more week til I take that week off of work for the sake of just being away from that place for a little bit of time. It'll be nice and relaxing. I'll watch some movies I need to watch, I'll finish some games I need to finish and I'll just enjoy my time off. Maybe I'll get to talk to some people a little more like I've been wanting to do.

BLIZZCON TICKETS also go on sale this next Saturday or Sunday I believe and I AM GOING. Not gonna get ditched by my roommates again like I did last year. :)

I don't know how to explain it, but I've just been trying to be more upbeat lately. Not get mad at things that'd normally make me mad, not stress about money and just spend it if I feel like I want to with keeping in mind of not going broke of course. Just letting myself go a bit more free and I've personally noticed a bit of a difference. The one thing I still am incredibly impatient about is finding someone for me. I'm tired of being alone, and I don't care where that woman for me is, I'm gonna find her. I'm just looking for that extra bit of happiness.

Last but not least. Last night I watched the HBO thing of Lady Gaga performing in Madison Square Gardens. I've never been a fan of hers and never really listened to her music but man, she is a performer. Shes the same age as me (born same year, shes a few months older) and I just watched her in awe. Yes, partially because she has quite the body and a pretty good voice... but in all seriousness, she is just a complete performer. I watched some youtube videos of hers today after swearing I wouldn't and even in her music videos, she just performs. I haven't had a celebrity crush in a LONG time but ugh, she may of got me to have one again. lol. Weird right?

Ah well, thats it for now. :)
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(no subject) [May. 1st, 2011|06:05 pm]
I haven't been on any kind of social networking too much lately because I've had a sinus infection and its prevented me from any sort of focus. Thats why if you haven't seen me around, its because of that. I'm on antibiotics right now and its nothing serious, in a few days I should go back to being around more. So thats all for now lol.

Hopefully nobody will rape me like Kathy thinks will happen. Makes me wonder if shes in on it. ._.
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(no subject) [Apr. 24th, 2011|10:33 pm]
It was a relatively fast week. I didn't do anything for Easter today, this weekend in general has been pretty much kicking back. Work really doesn't seem so bad when most days I come home now my buddy is over here and we some a few bowls and get high. Its so stress relieving for me and makes me not worry about my job as much. 

I've been slowly reaching out to old friends lately trying to see how people have been. Been trying to just hang out with my roommates more and I guess in general I've just tried to be more social. I think for the most part just being around people and not worrying about stupid bullshit that makes me mad has been helping me out a lot.

Just small changes I guess. Things that make me just feel a little bit better. Now I realize its mostly if not all women that read this journal currently but I got to add one more thing to it. I've been locking my door at night deciding to sleep without any clothes at all and I gotta say, it really is THAT much more relaxing. So even my sleep has gotten better. I've been feeling way more rested.

All that thinking I've been doing, adjusting to small changes.... and this life of mine which kind of sucks, doesn't seem so bad right now. But I still want more out of my life, we'll see how that goes.
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(no subject) [Apr. 20th, 2011|11:02 pm]
'ello, 'ello.

Well the sick day was nice and it has felt pretty good at work since then. A couple things have changed, nothing major I've just tried to come into work with a better attitude. I never realized how hard that could really be. I've tried multiple times in the past to come in and just try and keep a smile on my face all day and something always set it off. Maybe thats just it, nothing has been setting it off like normal lol. I don't know but I'm not going to complain, maybe I'll finish out the week and have nothing major at work make me a mad man.

So whats new here? Well, started actually raiding in World of Warcraft again. Since this latest expansion came out it was pretty "zzz" to me but a few people irl I know needed someone to step in and they all know I've been a great player in the past. So it was alright, it wasn't the group I used to raid with of course.. and playing with these guys made me miss my old group. It was also kind of annoying how my two tanks were basically hating on each other the entire time. Bickering gets old quick....

ALSO HOLY COW KATHY I AM SO GLAD YOU PLAY LEAGUE OF LEGENDS. Sorry. But after I found that out, I was all super excited. And here I was just talking about how we should keep in touch. Boom, done. Easy enough. Lol.

Haha, I thought there was something else I felt like talking about here but after Kathy mentioned she plays League of Legends it basically made me forget entirely what else I was going to talk about. Thats okay though, I can post on another day!

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You know [Apr. 12th, 2011|07:44 pm]
Regardless of how much I actually write in here, it always makes me feel a bit better after doing so. Definitely going to try making this much more routine again.

So, I called off work today. Faked sick. Yeah I know, messed up move... but I really needed the day off just cause of how much stress goes through my job. Its a fast food job, but my boss who has only had this store for about 3 years now is clueless. Honestly hes a nice guy, but the management he hires has caused a lot of people to leave which in part makes us horribly understaffed. Thats just the tl;dr though, just trust me when I say I needed the day off.

And here I was thinking of all the fun things I could do today and I didn't do anything except go shopping and lounge around. Part of me feels like today was a complete waste and another part just enjoyed not having to do anything. I guess I shouldn't complain though, just the temporary weight lifted off my shoulders haha.

You know one thing I always enjoyed about livejournal opposed to myspace or facebook? I always felt in myspace and facebook you can't always let loose with everything thats bothering you, or just type a giant wall of text about whatever you're thinking or feeling. Yet here, you can. People add you to read about your life, your problems, your pleasantries, etc... It just feels nice. I always felt myspace and facebook left you right under the microscope of everyone around you. Just waiting for that moment to pounce when you post a status that just makes someone mad or whatever. Yeah, I can definitely see me coming back to using this.

If you actually read this, leave a comment. I'm curious who still actually uses their livejournal etc... and if you know anyone that I may know that uses livejournal still and I don't have them added, let me know! Maybe I'll bug them too, idk. Haha.
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This weekend [Apr. 10th, 2011|10:32 pm]
I've been blazed like nobody knows. How nice it was to just not think of anything but randomness. Haha. Reality kicks back in soon though, work and whatnot. Here we go...
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I never find them scary. [Apr. 3rd, 2011|11:19 pm]
[Current Mood |tiredtired]
[Current Music |"Audience of One" - Rise Against]

What exactly? Thoughts. I've always had a storm of emotions inside of me that range from extreme happiness to extreme sadness, a raging fire of anger and just wanting to die. You could say I'm unstable but I feel more stable than most people I know because at least I always know that I feel while most people try to either always point out how bad their life is or they decide to act like nothing ever bothers them.

Even after all these years I haven't ever bothered to see some sort of psychiatric help because its not hard to know if someone has something wrong with them, and if they do what is wrong with them. I'm bipolar and have been for ages, I don't need to be diagnosed. I can wake up in a terrible mood for no reason, and shift throughout the day. I feel the more I actually pay attention to it is treatment enough, if I catch myself in it I can be alright. Mind over matter right? Some of us are have stronger wills than others. I mean, I was able to quit smoking without a second thought and I don't have to drink all the time, then again I never really was an alcoholic, though some people I know may beg to differ at certain points of my life haha.

The suicidal thoughts though, they don't bother me either. Not even close. Its not like I feel them and they go away, no with them I always feel like they're more on the backburner. I'll just feel so shitty one day where I'm sad and I'll just sit in my room and try to avoid all human contact but then as time goes by, something alright happens and I remember that its not so bad right now and if I really just want to call it quits, I can at a later time. This isn't to be a means of concern for anyone, its more like after so much time of thinking, and we all know that I love to think... that all you really need to do to keep on and to avoid those inner problems, is to keep thinking.

My life isn't great and its not looking good anytime soon but I'm alright for now. I take my small victories of enjoying life and moving on. None of us live forever anyways right? 
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